10 questions that are important to me (in no order)

1. Will I resolve my financial aid issues?
2. Am I doing a good job raising Maggie?
3. Am I making God happy?
4. Is Michael watching me from heaven and is he mad at me?
5. Will I see Chippy again?
6. Where can I find gold?
7. Will I feel manic tomorrow?
8. Is research a good field for me?
9. Is there a forrm of transportation that is as fast as flying but you're not?
10.Can I stay happy forever?

Acedia

Sloth is Acedia.
A state of listlessness.

Most common to me.
Most feared, I see.

Physical and Psychological sickness.
Panic attacks and depression.

Idle hands?
Try diligence!

Poetry Pebbles

"Nightmare"

FunHouse

Cry Ride

Red Ran

Went Away

"Self Portrait"

It's Black or White

I Love the Sand,

Blue Fruit.

Parent to Maggie.

Tan Cat.

Try Purple.

"Future"

"They bike in the sun for green food".

"Weird"

dog the God

Wine in orange!

Walk mad car.

A Beautiful Mind

I guess it's a coincidence that I had a nervous breakdown and am doing the day program at the mental hospital while we're reading "A Beautiful Mind".

I've had a rough month so I didn't get to read much of the book but I watched the movie. I don't have schizophrenia but I think one of the women on the ward does. She talks to people but calls them by different names and talks about things that aren't even going on.

John Nash does have an amazing life, worthy of writing about but everyone does if you think about it. Nash is very smart and he was awarded the nobel prize. If only all people with mental illness could be so lucky. Usually it's a constant struggle. For most of us we can't even hold down a minimum wage job.

Being at the hospital helped me learn to cope with daily life but I'm far from being the star of a movie or winning any awards.

Summertime Rules

"Do you wanna go in the water?" To which he replied "beat'cha there". They ran toward the lake. When they got in they slowed down because of the rocks under their feet. They both thought it was weird how some patches of the water were really cold. Almost like winter didn't want to leave those places.

"Stay right there" called their father "don't go out too far". They took turns swimming through each other's legs and clicking rocks under the water in some new form of Morse code.

When the ice cream truck came everyone ran to get a treat. One kid in front of me actually tried to pay with a wooden nickel, how cliche. "I'll pay for his too" I said. It was just one day in the best summer ever.

My Life in Movie Format chapter 5

I hit the (40) bottle hard when I got home. My drinking buddy was Justin. The man I eventually had a daughter with. But at the time the sexual part of the relationship wasn't there. A fact that drove Justin crazy. He spent a while in the "looney bin" (as he calls it). When he got out he drove to Florida to stay with family.

I continued to drink but because of the OCD I was also washing my hands for what seemed like 90 % of the time. My first therapist, Dr. Haddad told me (along with everyone else) that I should just go ahead and tough the door handle, it will be fine. I didn't think so. So I dropped him and found some more experienced people who took my fears seriously. By seriously I mean they drugged me up. I've been on everything from Abilify and Klonopin to Zoloft and Seraquil. I just seemed to get worse. Of course, you're not supposed to drink on the meds but I did anyway...heavily. One night I got so drunk and stressed that I started banging my head against the wall. There's also been cutting and other self destructive behavior.

It wasn't until I was put on a combination of Abilify, Prozac and Klonopin and stopped drinking that I started to feel better. I gained more confidence and the first thing I did was get back in touch with Justin.

Psalm 138

As I walk forward, I stare at the freshly plowed sidewalk I'm walking upon.

A sidewalk that 15 minutes earlier had been covered with mountains and craters of snow.

I wonder if this is a sign that better days are near?

In The Spirit

I am listening to the audio book of "In the Spirit" (it's on the wishlist to the right). It's a cross between the messages in The Shack and The Secret. She deals with a lot of issues like self-esteem, money and especially finding your faith.

My Life in Movie Format chapter 4

The movie was Paradise Lost. It's about 3 Arkansas teenagers who were accused and convicted of killing three kids. All the evidence painted away from the teenagers. I immediately flet that I needed to help them get out of prison. I started by writing to one of the kids, Jason Baldwin. Then I handed out flyers on the streets of Boston encouraging people to see the movie and join the fight to free Jason, Jesse and Damien. Because of my efforts and the fact that the movie was in theatres at the time, I met the guys who made the film in New York City. I also met a lot of other interesting people.

Finally, in December of 1996, I met Jason in prison. We visited together for 2 days and by the end of our visits, he asked me to marry him. I was happy and said yes. I went back to Boston and prepared to move closer to Jason. I had a hard time finding an apartment so Jason's mother offered to let me live with her and her other two sons Matt and Terry. I took her up on her offer and moved to Memphis during the summer of 1997. Matt was a few years younger than me and we had a lot in common so we got along right away. Plus, I was 22 and could buy beer so he liked being around me.

I quickly found a job at the University of Memphis, which I loved. In September I moved into a studio apartment in the Claridge House. I let Matt move in too, to keep me company. Our frienndship drunkenly developed into a relationship which quickly went sour. Matt was physically abusive. I gave him a few chances then in the beginning of 1998 he went too far.

I was talking on the phone with a friend from high school and Matt got jealous. He ripped the phone cord out of the wall. I laid down and tried to go to bed. It was a bunk bed and he pulled me off the top bunk. I fell about 4 or 5 feet. I started to run across the room to press the security alarm but right before I got to it, he tackled me to the ground. He put me in a scissor hold on my lower back to keep me from getting up. It worked, I still have a hard time standing up straight to this day. He held me "hostage" in the apartment the whole night. He didn't even let me go to the bathroom by myself.

Luckily, someone was picking us up in the morning to go visit Jason. That was my way to get Matt out of the apartment. When we got to the prison, they wouldn't let us in so we headed back to Memphis. Matt couldn't come into the building because he had previously been kicked out for throwing things off the roof. I told security what had happened andd they tried to make sure he didn't get in again.

Fear got the best of me and I moved back to Massachusetts a few days later. While in Memphis I had begun showing signs of mental problems which I now know is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

I just read "Are We Having Fun Yet? The 16 secrets of Happy Parenting" by Kay Willis and Maryann Bucknum Brinley.

The 16 secrets are so simple yet usually overlooked.

Happy Parents...

1. enjoy parenting, they don't endure it.
2. Refuel, Restore, Renew
3. Borrow from Big Business
4. Know that Attitude is Almost Everything
5. Create a Cozy Atmosphere
6. Know that Fathers are MVPs.
7. Listen, Listen, Listen
8. Know When to Say Yes
9. Aren't Perfect
10. Know That Labels Can Stunt Growth
11. Know That Guilt Is a Waste of Time
12. Know that Resentment Poisons a Family
13. Never Stop Growing
14. Let Their Children Get the Best of Them
15. Romance
16. Make Happy Memories.

I recommend this book to every mother (or soon to be mother). It's awesome!

My Revelation

I said that my brother died at 4 months old. Well, there's more to the story. My mother put his crib in mine and my sisters room. I was 6, she was 3. My mother expected me to wake up with Michael during the night. The night of his death I heard him crying but I was too tired to get up with him. I never told anyone about that because I felt like his death was my fault. The other day I realized that I was only 6 years old and I should have never been held responsible for an infant. I spent the last 26 years of my life blaming and beating myself up. When in reality, my mother was guilty of neglect. I'm done blaming myself and I'm done with my mothers abuse!

It's Like a Rainbow Vanishing

To me that means a good thing. For example, after a bad storm, then there's a rainbow and once it has vanished, you can go on with your day (or life).

The Shack

I finished reading The Shack.

Mackenzie Allen Phillips's youngest daughter Missy , has been abducted during a family vacation and evidence thhat she may have been brutally murdered is found in an abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. Four years later, in the midst of his Great Sadness, Mack receives a suspicious note, apparently from God, inviting him back to that shack for a weekend.

Against his better judgement he arrives at the shack on a wintry afternnoon and walks back into his darkest nightmare. What he finds there will changge Mack's world forever.

In a world where religiion seems to grow increasingly irrelevant THE SHACK wrestles with the timeless question, "Where is God in a world filled with unspeakable pain?" The answers Mack gets will astound you and perhaps transform you as much as it did him. You'll want everyone you know to read this book!

for more info go to www.theshackbook.com


Love,


Jen

My Life in Movie Format chapter 3

I started to feel what a celebrity must feel. There was lights and music and people all the time. So, I began to party like I was famous. I moved around a lot. One of the first places I went to was a room that a friend from high school rented. He and his friends introduced me to acid. The first time I tripped was unreal. Me and my friend took the acid in the room and just as it was kicking in, we got a ride from some people.

That night brought us to many places, physically and emotionally. My favorite part was when we were peaking and we were sitting on a bench at a baseball field. It felt like it wasn't the ground that we were on but water. I could feel the bench floating and then I flicked a cigarette into the field and looked like the "water" put it out. That night started a short love affair with acid. What I loved most about it was the people it introduced me to.

I also started going to college at Mass Art during that time. I felt truly free. When I finally settled somewhere it was because a professor of mine knew something was going on with me. The fact was that I was homeless and out of money. As fate would have it, she had enormous pulling in the housing office. I was in my very own dorm room that day.

I met a guy named Gus in the dorm and we started drinking together almost every night. One night I had just bought a pair of roller skates at the thrift store and I was skating up and down the halls of the dorm. It was funny because we shared the dorm with M.I.T. students. We would hear them clacking away on their computers and I'm sure they could hear us partying.

On my birthday I started going out with a friend named Dan. I was truly in love. We enjoyed all the same things and he was really funny. We continued to party that year and the next year in the dorms and the following year in our apartment in Allston. It was there that I saw a movie that changed my life.

Stick To Your Guns

I saw a shirt today that said "Stick to your guns". It made me realize that I can't do that because I don't have any guns. I give up on everything and I don't really stand for anything. I'm 32 years old. I need to find my guns.

55 Word Story (Spoiled)

She always asked them for a new outfit. They always said yes.

She was a spoiled girl. She wanted to be an only child. She actually has four brothers and three sisters.

Every person finally got fed up with her greed. She eventually lost every penny.

And now she is getting what she truly deserves.

Panic

Look in the mirror
Imagine the result

Let thought run and travel

Fear building
Concentration dwindling

Panic is here

My Life in Movie Format chapter 2

The first time I officially got drunk, it was a real mess. I was at a small get together in a friends parents basement/bar. We were making screwdrivers. Quickly I got so drunk tthat I blacked out. From what I was told, I fell out of the tree house. Then I peed in front of the group of skater kids that had shown up without my being aware of them. The next day I went to school and I was still drunk. Also, there was my uncles wedding. I was taking "sips" off everyones drinks. I ended up on stage singing Sowing the Seeds of Love by Tears for Fears. It was a good time and that is still one of my favorite songs. All this stuff happened before I was old enough for high school.

For some reason, I did a 360 (as one teacher called it) in high school. I got really into hardcore music and going to shows and I did really good in school at the same time. I made National Honor Society my junior year. They asked me to join as a sophmore but I thought it was too nerdy. When I told my mother that, she insisted that I join in my junior year so I figure "why not?". I received a lot of awards my senior year and graduated 4th in my class.

Close to graduation I started dating a friend from Boston. He got me into weed and drinking again. On the day of my graduation party, my mothers friend gave me some champage. The party ended early because I got drunk and passed out. The next day I moved in with my boyfriend in Boston.

A Few Traits

Maggie's wit is like Dennis Miller's and she's only four years old.

She's as cute as a fluffy calico kitten.

Her intelligence shines like a flood light in a snow filled yard at night.

My Life in Movie Format chapter 1

My life has always felt like a movie about a drug addicted actress. Except, I don't know how to act.

It all started on February 29, 1976 which is a leap year. I was supposed to be born on January 15th. My mother would go into labor and the doctor would tell her that I wasn't ready to come out. Finally my grandmother Georgenia called the doctor and told him to do an emergency c-section. Because I was born so late, my finger nails were even long.

I spent the first week of my life in an incubator. The cord had been wrapped around my neck causing me not to be born. The doctors said that if I had been a boy I probably wouldn't have had the will to survive.

The next 5 years went pretty smooth. I was even given a baby sister and brother. One morning my mother, sister and me went to wake up my 4 month old brother Michael. He
was in his crib facing the wall. My mother gently called his name. "Michael". He didn't respond. She called his name louder and touched his back. No response. Then she screamed his name and turned him away from the wall. His face was blue. I now knew what death looked like. Michael was rushed in the ambulance. All of our family started arriving at our house. I asked my grandmother Marion if Michael would be ok. She said "I can't lie to you, he's dead."

The next 4 years are a blur. All I remember is having to visit with a psychiatrist regularly. Finally, I felt a wave of freedom from my worries as we moved to Winchendon. I was so ready to move that I left early with the moving truck instead of playing with the neighborhood kids for one last time.

At my new school I was scared. I cried on the day that my parents dropped me off but soon a girl in my class befriended me. She gave me her lowdown on all the other kids. At recess we saw a red-haired girl named Peggy playing soccer. My new friend warned me to avoid her because she had was a dork. Peggy turned out to live right behind my new house. We became good friends for a while. This was during the time that the Jem cartoon was on TV. One day we called the show frantically trying to win a contest to sing the theme song. I got through to the voicemail while Peggy was in another room and I sang my heart out. Unfortunately, my singing voice is as bad as Mariah Carey is annoying.

On November 29th of 1985, my sister Tina was born. It soon became my responsibility to take care of her during the day and wake up with her at night. It was then that I began experimenting with alcohol. My father always had a bottle of Wild Turkey around and I would "enjoy" some on special occasions like 4th of July, when I was bored and when my parents weren't around.