Psalm 138

As I walk forward, I stare at the freshly plowed sidewalk I'm walking upon.

A sidewalk that 15 minutes earlier had been covered with mountains and craters of snow.

I wonder if this is a sign that better days are near?

In The Spirit

I am listening to the audio book of "In the Spirit" (it's on the wishlist to the right). It's a cross between the messages in The Shack and The Secret. She deals with a lot of issues like self-esteem, money and especially finding your faith.

My Life in Movie Format chapter 4

The movie was Paradise Lost. It's about 3 Arkansas teenagers who were accused and convicted of killing three kids. All the evidence painted away from the teenagers. I immediately flet that I needed to help them get out of prison. I started by writing to one of the kids, Jason Baldwin. Then I handed out flyers on the streets of Boston encouraging people to see the movie and join the fight to free Jason, Jesse and Damien. Because of my efforts and the fact that the movie was in theatres at the time, I met the guys who made the film in New York City. I also met a lot of other interesting people.

Finally, in December of 1996, I met Jason in prison. We visited together for 2 days and by the end of our visits, he asked me to marry him. I was happy and said yes. I went back to Boston and prepared to move closer to Jason. I had a hard time finding an apartment so Jason's mother offered to let me live with her and her other two sons Matt and Terry. I took her up on her offer and moved to Memphis during the summer of 1997. Matt was a few years younger than me and we had a lot in common so we got along right away. Plus, I was 22 and could buy beer so he liked being around me.

I quickly found a job at the University of Memphis, which I loved. In September I moved into a studio apartment in the Claridge House. I let Matt move in too, to keep me company. Our frienndship drunkenly developed into a relationship which quickly went sour. Matt was physically abusive. I gave him a few chances then in the beginning of 1998 he went too far.

I was talking on the phone with a friend from high school and Matt got jealous. He ripped the phone cord out of the wall. I laid down and tried to go to bed. It was a bunk bed and he pulled me off the top bunk. I fell about 4 or 5 feet. I started to run across the room to press the security alarm but right before I got to it, he tackled me to the ground. He put me in a scissor hold on my lower back to keep me from getting up. It worked, I still have a hard time standing up straight to this day. He held me "hostage" in the apartment the whole night. He didn't even let me go to the bathroom by myself.

Luckily, someone was picking us up in the morning to go visit Jason. That was my way to get Matt out of the apartment. When we got to the prison, they wouldn't let us in so we headed back to Memphis. Matt couldn't come into the building because he had previously been kicked out for throwing things off the roof. I told security what had happened andd they tried to make sure he didn't get in again.

Fear got the best of me and I moved back to Massachusetts a few days later. While in Memphis I had begun showing signs of mental problems which I now know is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

I just read "Are We Having Fun Yet? The 16 secrets of Happy Parenting" by Kay Willis and Maryann Bucknum Brinley.

The 16 secrets are so simple yet usually overlooked.

Happy Parents...

1. enjoy parenting, they don't endure it.
2. Refuel, Restore, Renew
3. Borrow from Big Business
4. Know that Attitude is Almost Everything
5. Create a Cozy Atmosphere
6. Know that Fathers are MVPs.
7. Listen, Listen, Listen
8. Know When to Say Yes
9. Aren't Perfect
10. Know That Labels Can Stunt Growth
11. Know That Guilt Is a Waste of Time
12. Know that Resentment Poisons a Family
13. Never Stop Growing
14. Let Their Children Get the Best of Them
15. Romance
16. Make Happy Memories.

I recommend this book to every mother (or soon to be mother). It's awesome!

My Revelation

I said that my brother died at 4 months old. Well, there's more to the story. My mother put his crib in mine and my sisters room. I was 6, she was 3. My mother expected me to wake up with Michael during the night. The night of his death I heard him crying but I was too tired to get up with him. I never told anyone about that because I felt like his death was my fault. The other day I realized that I was only 6 years old and I should have never been held responsible for an infant. I spent the last 26 years of my life blaming and beating myself up. When in reality, my mother was guilty of neglect. I'm done blaming myself and I'm done with my mothers abuse!