A Photo Found

The trees are
now grown.
Her smile is visible.
Her face is
not shown.
Darkened face renders invisible.

Buried below,
left a photo behind
Where she lies,
I do not know.
in hopes to remind.

Was she a poet or a seamstress?
Most likely lived on
South Main Street.
or perhaps an actress?
A neighbor I may never meet.

Living in infamy,
without an identity.

Arise

Have I found
out who
I am?

"It's hard
to be your-
self, when
you don't know
who you are." -Scott from Arise

Time will tell.

Good thing I've Done Today

Maggie's at Nana's for a while. I've been working on the laundry. Me and Justin went for a nice walk. I found a movie I've been wanting to see. I got on my blog again. I'm going to the library later.

176 Things to do Besides Freak Out - part 3

141. Buy an appealing essential oil
142. Give yourself a pedicure
143. Go to the library
144. Bake muffins
145. Mop the floor
146. Sort your recycling
147. Say thank you
148. Visit heyitsfree.com
149. Take a nap
150. Make poetry pebbles
151. Putty any holes in your walls
152. Listen to music
153. Browse the bookstore
154. Buy a new perfume or cologne
155. Go swimming at the ymca
156. Stay at a hotel with a hot tub and sauna
157. Take your vitamins
158. Watch a Christmas movie
159. Sell unwanted items on eBay
160. Have a yard sale
161. Find a pen pal
162. Go to an AA meeting
163. Take up a cause
164. Indulge in your favorite sweet
165. Build a snow fort
166. Climb a tree
167. Go for a bike ride
168. Go to a yard sale
169. Join freecycle.org
170. Play with play dough
171. Use your hand to send positive energy to panic spots
172. Use watercolors
173. Pick flowers
174. Buy a bouquet
175. Pick apples
176. Pet an animal

Energy Pills

I got a free sample of some energy pills and they work great with no jitters. If you too want a free sample just visit:

this link or copying and pasting it in your browser:https://www.smithbryantlabs.com/user/reset/75/1251316254/d08f187c55ba948eb44b091c2335356c

176 Things to do Besides Freak Out - part 2

70. Play bingo
71. Look at old photos
72. Experiment with a compass
73. Drink earl grey tea
74. Drink chamomile tea
75. Read a book
76. Blow bubbles
77.force a smile
78. Read woman’s world
79. Give yourself a pedicure
80. Get some fresh air
81. Make a pet rock
82. Play basketball
83. Look for a 4 leaf clover
84. Go sledding
85. Build a snowman
86. Stop the ice cream man
87. Say an Our Father
88. Make a sundial
89. Search on-demand
90. Build a fort with blankets
91. watch pee-wee’s big adventure
92. Watch Tommy Boy
93. Go to youtube.com
94. Write a story
95. Buy new shoes
96. Burn incense
97. Make a turkey dinner
98. Chew gum
99. Play cards
100. Go on the computer
101. Make a fanzine
102. Photocopy pics and tint them
103. Do watercolors
104. Make dough
105. Smell flowers
106. Eat chocolate
107. Write a letter
108. Watch Sesame Street
109. Learn to juggle
110. Learn from a child
111. Squeeze a stress ball
112. Sleep naked
113. Paint a portrait
114. Wash your car
115. Take a walk
116. Do sprints
117. Watch a local sports game
118. Go to an art show
119. Drink a smoothie
120. Go to a fair
121. Look for freebies online
122. Dust
123. Dance
124. Practice martial arts
125. Try a new recipe
126. Clear the clutter
127. Look at cloud shapes
128. Play a board game
129. Brush your teeth
130. Wash your hair
131. Get Chinese food
132. Do neck stretches
133. Go camping
134. Buy a plant
135. Organize a nature scavenger hunt
136. Close your eyes for 6 minutes
137. Hold a stuffed animal
138. Do yoga
139. Research something you’re curious about
140. Write a fan letter

176 Things to do Besides Freak Out - part 1

Sometimes the stress level gets too high. I though of some things you can do to distract yourself, and perhaps find a new hobby.


1. Listen to nature
2. Listen to music
3. Discover a famous artist
4. Play at the playground
5. Make to 10 lists
6. Learn some new words
7. Write in a journal
8. Go to a store and smell aromas
9. Take a class
10. Learn to sing
11. Send a love letter
12. Watch a sunrise or sunset
13. Go swimming
14. Lift weights
15. Stretch
16. Deep breathing
17. Find a pond
18. Learn something new
19. Focus on your breathing
20. Start a collection
21. Join a yahoo! Group
22. Drink flavored tea
23. Watch a funny movie
24. Cry
25. Paint your nails
26. Ask for a massage
27. Pick flowers
28. Sit at a bright window
29. Drive on back roads
30. Visit a relative
31. Take a cold shower
32. Take a hot bath
33. Climb a tree
34. Try a new food
35. Bake chocolate chip cookies
36. Do arts and crafts
37. Color
38. Do a crossword puzzle
39. Clean your closet
40. Ride a bike
41. Learn a foreign language
42. Plant a seed
43. Give someone a massage
44. Ask for a hug
45. Burn a scented candle
46. Meditate
47. Play with your kid
48. Get a haircut
49. Do dishes
50. Go a farmers market
51. Go to a natural foods store
52. Go to church
53. Pray
54. Think of something good that happened
55. Start a self esteem file
56. Call a friend
57. Walk on the beach
58. Color eggs (even if its not easter)
59. Wrap up in a comfy blanket
60. Do 3 reps of 12 crunches
61. Look at the stars
62. Watch your favorite movie
63. Play online games
64. Build a campfire
65. Roast marshmallows
66. Have a cookout
67. Go window shopping
68. Take 3 deep breaths
69. Pet an animal

Gratitude is my Attitude

I'm grateful for: God, Maggie, Justin, shelter, food, the sun, flowers, plants, trees, cars, money, Kelly, Felicia, Veronica, Ashlee, Adam Sandler, Johnny Depp, my back yard, fruits, vegetables, books, movies, journals, and more to come.

This Quote is Cool

"for one who reads, there is no limit to the number of lives that may be lived, for fiction, biography and history offer an inexhaustible number of lives in many parts of the world in all periods of time" - Louis L'Amour

Nanny Peg

There once was a lady named Nanny Peg. At least that's what us kids were ordered to call her. We used to visit her sometimes and I always felt a little scared over there. I don't even know how we knew her but I always thought her name was progressive - Nanny Peg.

off the top of my head

so, here goes. I'm at the computer, kinda avoiding everyone. Justins playing peggle and Maggie is watching a movie. We've run out of ideas on how to have funn for free (when it isn't raining). You can't drive up mount wachusett right now and you can't swim at Dunns. This summer has not been one of the best. The summer of 2001 was probably my best. Remember Ashlee?!
We're totally broke this summer too so the only place we've gone is to Mystic Aquarium and we went to see the penguins but they're area was closed off because they were changing it. I mean is it me or do I seem cursed. If anyone knows how to find out who is cursing you and stop it let me know. That's enough for now.

A Poem about Fear

Fear now, fear then, fear again.

Past is scary,
snakes and bombs

Present is scary,
depression, no songs

Fear now, fear then, fear again.

Relax

My alone time is not to be forsaken,
slip into meditation.

Loosening is what I crave,
tense every muscle then make them behave.

The sound of crickets and running water,
Foot rubs make me even hotter.

Now we can play,
let's continue our day.

Where Did I Go?

I used to know you so well.
I knew just what would make your heart swell.

I knew the music you loved.
You were a little smug.

You're passions were evident - barefaced indeed.

You were blissfu, fleeful and tickled.

Your return is what I need.

I'm in the River and I'm in the Woods

In a story
dating back to 1973, a very old house on 91 Old Sudbury Rd, Wayland MA, was reported to be haunted. The house was originally built in late 17th or early 18th century. The house's biggest claim to fame was that Lydia Maria Child lived out here final years there. (She was the poet who wrote "over the river and through the woods to grandmoher's house we go"). Over the years other rooms and pieces were added to the house.

I rewrote over the river and through the woods. Which was originally called "A Boy's Thanksgiving Day"


July 9, 2009, 9:52 AM
Jen D’Intinosanto

I’m in the river and I’m in the woods


I’m in the river and I’m in the woods
To haunt the house we go
I know the way, to deliver dismay
Your mind I will a’ blow

I’m in the river and I’m in the woods
Oh, how my wind does blow
I’ll sting your toes and bite your nose
As underground I go


I’m in the river and I’m in the woods
I love to haunt all day
Hear your heart beat, thumpety thump
Hooray for haunting day


I’m in the river and I’m in the woods
Think fast this scary day
Spring over the ground like a hunted hound
I’ll bang the doors today


I’m in the river and I’m in the woods
And straight through hells gate,
you seem to run extremely slow
From this nightmare you want to wake


I’m in the river and I’m in the woods
I’m a ghost who doesn’t lie
Hurray for the fun, you want this haunting done
I didn’t want to die.

My Life in Movie Format chapter 6

I was making handmade cards at the time so I sent one to Justin. After he received it in the mail he called it. It happened to be during the series finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer so I told him I would call him back. We set up a time to hang out.

We went to the 99 restaurant with Kara and Brownie. Everyone was drinking except me. Justin and I went outside to smoke a cigarette. While standing under the awning because it was raining, I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend. We made love that night. In the morning he woke me up and said he had to leave to go to band practice. I thought it was his way of doing a one night stand with me.

A week later he called me. I was glad he did. After that we saw each other almost every day. Around the 4th of July we went and stayed at the beach in Maine for a few days. While we were there Justin got really drunk and passed out during the day. I waited 2 hours and then I woke him up. That was the first time he ever got mad at me. He was grumpy and I started to feel like he didn't love me.

After being around so much drinking I finally gave in and picked up a beer. My drinking caused problems because I'm a very different person when I'm drunk. I'm one of those annoying drunks.

At the time I was going to BSC and working in the photo lab for work study. Justin would visit me while I was working and we had sex in the dark room two times. Once in the film room while everyone was next door printing photos and once in the darkroom while I was supposed to be cleaning up for the day.

The next few months were a whirlwind of adventures, drunkenness and fun. Then in December of 2003 I missed my period. I didn't think much of it but Justin insisted that I get a pregnancy test. As soon as my pee soaked into the test strip it said I was pregnant.

10 questions that are important to me (in no order)

1. Will I resolve my financial aid issues?
2. Am I doing a good job raising Maggie?
3. Am I making God happy?
4. Is Michael watching me from heaven and is he mad at me?
5. Will I see Chippy again?
6. Where can I find gold?
7. Will I feel manic tomorrow?
8. Is research a good field for me?
9. Is there a forrm of transportation that is as fast as flying but you're not?
10.Can I stay happy forever?

Acedia

Sloth is Acedia.
A state of listlessness.

Most common to me.
Most feared, I see.

Physical and Psychological sickness.
Panic attacks and depression.

Idle hands?
Try diligence!

Poetry Pebbles

"Nightmare"

FunHouse

Cry Ride

Red Ran

Went Away

"Self Portrait"

It's Black or White

I Love the Sand,

Blue Fruit.

Parent to Maggie.

Tan Cat.

Try Purple.

"Future"

"They bike in the sun for green food".

"Weird"

dog the God

Wine in orange!

Walk mad car.

A Beautiful Mind

I guess it's a coincidence that I had a nervous breakdown and am doing the day program at the mental hospital while we're reading "A Beautiful Mind".

I've had a rough month so I didn't get to read much of the book but I watched the movie. I don't have schizophrenia but I think one of the women on the ward does. She talks to people but calls them by different names and talks about things that aren't even going on.

John Nash does have an amazing life, worthy of writing about but everyone does if you think about it. Nash is very smart and he was awarded the nobel prize. If only all people with mental illness could be so lucky. Usually it's a constant struggle. For most of us we can't even hold down a minimum wage job.

Being at the hospital helped me learn to cope with daily life but I'm far from being the star of a movie or winning any awards.

Summertime Rules

"Do you wanna go in the water?" To which he replied "beat'cha there". They ran toward the lake. When they got in they slowed down because of the rocks under their feet. They both thought it was weird how some patches of the water were really cold. Almost like winter didn't want to leave those places.

"Stay right there" called their father "don't go out too far". They took turns swimming through each other's legs and clicking rocks under the water in some new form of Morse code.

When the ice cream truck came everyone ran to get a treat. One kid in front of me actually tried to pay with a wooden nickel, how cliche. "I'll pay for his too" I said. It was just one day in the best summer ever.

My Life in Movie Format chapter 5

I hit the (40) bottle hard when I got home. My drinking buddy was Justin. The man I eventually had a daughter with. But at the time the sexual part of the relationship wasn't there. A fact that drove Justin crazy. He spent a while in the "looney bin" (as he calls it). When he got out he drove to Florida to stay with family.

I continued to drink but because of the OCD I was also washing my hands for what seemed like 90 % of the time. My first therapist, Dr. Haddad told me (along with everyone else) that I should just go ahead and tough the door handle, it will be fine. I didn't think so. So I dropped him and found some more experienced people who took my fears seriously. By seriously I mean they drugged me up. I've been on everything from Abilify and Klonopin to Zoloft and Seraquil. I just seemed to get worse. Of course, you're not supposed to drink on the meds but I did anyway...heavily. One night I got so drunk and stressed that I started banging my head against the wall. There's also been cutting and other self destructive behavior.

It wasn't until I was put on a combination of Abilify, Prozac and Klonopin and stopped drinking that I started to feel better. I gained more confidence and the first thing I did was get back in touch with Justin.

Psalm 138

As I walk forward, I stare at the freshly plowed sidewalk I'm walking upon.

A sidewalk that 15 minutes earlier had been covered with mountains and craters of snow.

I wonder if this is a sign that better days are near?

In The Spirit

I am listening to the audio book of "In the Spirit" (it's on the wishlist to the right). It's a cross between the messages in The Shack and The Secret. She deals with a lot of issues like self-esteem, money and especially finding your faith.

My Life in Movie Format chapter 4

The movie was Paradise Lost. It's about 3 Arkansas teenagers who were accused and convicted of killing three kids. All the evidence painted away from the teenagers. I immediately flet that I needed to help them get out of prison. I started by writing to one of the kids, Jason Baldwin. Then I handed out flyers on the streets of Boston encouraging people to see the movie and join the fight to free Jason, Jesse and Damien. Because of my efforts and the fact that the movie was in theatres at the time, I met the guys who made the film in New York City. I also met a lot of other interesting people.

Finally, in December of 1996, I met Jason in prison. We visited together for 2 days and by the end of our visits, he asked me to marry him. I was happy and said yes. I went back to Boston and prepared to move closer to Jason. I had a hard time finding an apartment so Jason's mother offered to let me live with her and her other two sons Matt and Terry. I took her up on her offer and moved to Memphis during the summer of 1997. Matt was a few years younger than me and we had a lot in common so we got along right away. Plus, I was 22 and could buy beer so he liked being around me.

I quickly found a job at the University of Memphis, which I loved. In September I moved into a studio apartment in the Claridge House. I let Matt move in too, to keep me company. Our frienndship drunkenly developed into a relationship which quickly went sour. Matt was physically abusive. I gave him a few chances then in the beginning of 1998 he went too far.

I was talking on the phone with a friend from high school and Matt got jealous. He ripped the phone cord out of the wall. I laid down and tried to go to bed. It was a bunk bed and he pulled me off the top bunk. I fell about 4 or 5 feet. I started to run across the room to press the security alarm but right before I got to it, he tackled me to the ground. He put me in a scissor hold on my lower back to keep me from getting up. It worked, I still have a hard time standing up straight to this day. He held me "hostage" in the apartment the whole night. He didn't even let me go to the bathroom by myself.

Luckily, someone was picking us up in the morning to go visit Jason. That was my way to get Matt out of the apartment. When we got to the prison, they wouldn't let us in so we headed back to Memphis. Matt couldn't come into the building because he had previously been kicked out for throwing things off the roof. I told security what had happened andd they tried to make sure he didn't get in again.

Fear got the best of me and I moved back to Massachusetts a few days later. While in Memphis I had begun showing signs of mental problems which I now know is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Are We Having Fun Yet?

I just read "Are We Having Fun Yet? The 16 secrets of Happy Parenting" by Kay Willis and Maryann Bucknum Brinley.

The 16 secrets are so simple yet usually overlooked.

Happy Parents...

1. enjoy parenting, they don't endure it.
2. Refuel, Restore, Renew
3. Borrow from Big Business
4. Know that Attitude is Almost Everything
5. Create a Cozy Atmosphere
6. Know that Fathers are MVPs.
7. Listen, Listen, Listen
8. Know When to Say Yes
9. Aren't Perfect
10. Know That Labels Can Stunt Growth
11. Know That Guilt Is a Waste of Time
12. Know that Resentment Poisons a Family
13. Never Stop Growing
14. Let Their Children Get the Best of Them
15. Romance
16. Make Happy Memories.

I recommend this book to every mother (or soon to be mother). It's awesome!

My Revelation

I said that my brother died at 4 months old. Well, there's more to the story. My mother put his crib in mine and my sisters room. I was 6, she was 3. My mother expected me to wake up with Michael during the night. The night of his death I heard him crying but I was too tired to get up with him. I never told anyone about that because I felt like his death was my fault. The other day I realized that I was only 6 years old and I should have never been held responsible for an infant. I spent the last 26 years of my life blaming and beating myself up. When in reality, my mother was guilty of neglect. I'm done blaming myself and I'm done with my mothers abuse!